BIPOLAR SOBER / BIPOLAR / PSYCHOSIS

07 / ON PSYCHOSIS

ON PSYCHOSIS.

WHEN YOUR MIND
BECOMES YOUR
ENTIRE REALITY.

ENTER THE STORY ↓

01 / THE EXPERIENCE

IT WAS
SPINNING
ON ITS OWN.

It was spinning on its own. Round and round.

It was playing music on its own—a screamo rendition of "Amazing Grace". Interesting choice.

They were talking about me outside the building. I stopped when I read a book. They were knocking on doors, asking if my neighbors would participate in an experiment. Then they were watching me. They were narrating everything I was doing. I checked my apartment for cameras and microphones as they mocked me, laughing at my efforts to find out where this was coming from.

02 / THE CALL

911.

ME / ON THE PHONE

"THEY'RE WATCHING ME.
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ME.
THEY'RE IN MY APARTMENT!"

"Who?"

"....They!!"

I dialed 911. "They're watching me. They're talking about me. They're in my apartment!" "Who?" "….They!!" A police officer showed up at my door. How he got in the building I had no idea. He asked me if I wanted to leave with him. I knew I would be arrested, never to see Banjo, my family, or my friends ever again—to be locked away for a crime I didn't even know I had committed. What else could've warranted this?

03 / THE NIGHT

NOTHING
WAS REAL.
EVERYTHING
FELT REAL.

Sweat coming out of every pore, music played out of my white noise machine. Things on my wall morphed into terrifying faces. Curtains moved in a wind despite the windows were locked tight. The city outside was blank—the voices were the only thing that was the focal point. My brain was swimming.

The four of them were throwing around ideas of how to torture me, taking turns at poking my skin with hot knives and laughing at my pain. They sang; they scientifically spoke about what was going on. One of them started to move my phone off my bed, as they had done with my vape. They had moved shoes across my floor already, what was one more thing?

"SHE NEEDS A JOB.
LEAVE THAT.
WHAT IS A CHEMIST
WITHOUT THEIR
CHEMISTRY SET?"

Their leader said, "She needs a job. Leave that. What is a chemist without their chemistry set?" One of them was named David. He was the least experienced. His knives hurt the least, but they were still fiery hot.

It smelled of sulfur. I sat in a puddle of my own sweat. They communicated with me through a Bluetooth headset, giving me instructions for later. They said they were from the Canadian government, and I was being punished for a DUI.

04 / NO SLEEP

THREE DAYS.

NO
SLEEP.

By sunrise, they hadn't let up. At 8am, they said their shift was over, and the day shift would take over. I hadn't slept in three days. By then, I was so exhausted I passed out for a few hours.

Eventually, I began to wake up and tried to live as normal. I started to apply for jobs with two women from previous night narrating everything I was doing, reading what I wrote, mocking me, and speaking as if they were sending a report to a manager. I wondered who the manager was as I groggily continued through the day.

05 / THE RECORD PLAYER

THE VOICE

"PUT YOUR PHONE
ON THE RECORD
PLAYER."

"Put your phone on the record player." The instruction came clear. "And don't look." I did as told, but I watched in a mirror.

"DO NOT LOOK!"

I didn't look right then, but I hear a jolt-zap noise and turned slightly to see what looked like a small bolt of lightning come from the spinning record player and my cell phone.

06 / REACHING OUT

I HAD
NEVER BEEN
MORE SCARED.

Later, I remembered I had another phone. They had established that the bathroom was a safe zone for my privacy. With this knowledge, I didn't think about the phone—since they could read my thoughts—and retrieved it, not looking at it since they could see through my eyes. I slipped it in my underwear and went into the bathroom, closing the door.

I texted my parents. I emailed my therapist. I had never been more scared in my life.

I TEXTED MY PARENTS.
I EMAILED MY THERAPIST.

07 / THE DIAGNOSIS

A FEW DAYS LATER.

BIPOLAR I.
WITH PSYCHOTIC
FEATURES.

A few days later a psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar disorder type 1 with psychotic features. And I finally got some real sleep after getting about six hours over five days.

THAT WASN'T THE END OF IT THOUGH—
THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.

08 / UNDERSTANDING PSYCHOSIS

WHAT THE
FUCK IS
PSYCHOSIS?

Psychosis can change how you perceive, interpret, and experience reality. It isn't one single symptom, and it doesn't look the same for everyone.

01 / WHAT IT IS

WHEN PERCEPTION CHANGES.

Psychosis describes a collection of symptoms that can affect your ability to distinguish between internal experiences and what is happening in the external world. You may hear, see, or feel things that other people do not perceive, develop beliefs that persist despite contradictory evidence, or experience changes in the organization of your thoughts and speech.

These experiences can feel completely real while they're happening. You may not recognize them as symptoms, particularly when your ability to question your own perceptions is affected.

02 / HALLUCINATIONS

YOUR SENSES CAN LIE.

Hallucinations are sensory experiences that occur without a corresponding external stimulus. They can involve hearing voices, seeing images, feeling physical sensations, or experiencing smells or tastes that others cannot detect.

Auditory hallucinations may involve voices that comment on your actions, criticize you, threaten you, or appear to communicate directly with you. Visual hallucinations can involve shapes, faces, movement, or other apparent changes in the environment. Tactile hallucinations may involve sensations such as touching, burning, or movement on the skin.

03 / DELUSIONS

WHEN BELIEF BECOMES CERTAINTY.

Delusions are strongly held beliefs that are not supported by reality and remain difficult to reconsider despite contrary evidence. They may involve believing you are being watched, followed, punished, controlled, or targeted by other people or organizations.

A delusion can create an explanation for frightening or confusing experiences. When hallucinations and delusions occur together, they may reinforce one another, making the entire experience feel internally consistent.

04 / BIPOLAR DISORDER

PSYCHOSIS & MOOD EPISODES.

Psychosis can occur during severe manic or depressive episodes in bipolar disorder. The content of hallucinations and delusions may relate to a person's mood, but this is not always the case.

During mania, psychosis may occur alongside reduced need for sleep, increased energy, racing thoughts, agitation, and impaired judgment. Severe depression may also involve psychotic symptoms.

Psychosis is not present in every person with bipolar disorder, and experiencing it does not mean that every future episode will involve the same symptoms.

05 / SLEEP

WHEN SLEEP DISAPPEARS.

Sleep disruption can play a significant role in bipolar episodes. Reduced sleep can be an early warning sign of mania, and prolonged sleep deprivation can worsen difficulties with perception, concentration, emotional regulation, and judgment.

Severe insomnia, escalating agitation, or emerging hallucinations warrant prompt medical evaluation, especially when they occur together.

06 / TREATMENT & RECOVERY

GETTING BACK TO REALITY.

Psychosis is treatable. Treatment depends on its underlying cause and may include antipsychotic medication, mood stabilizers, treatment of the associated mood episode, sleep restoration, and psychiatric support.

Recovery is not always instantaneous. Symptoms may improve gradually, and it can take time to understand what happened. Following a treatment plan, recognizing early warning signs, and having trusted people who can help identify changes may reduce the risk of another crisis.

Psychosis is a medical experience, not a character flaw or a failure of intelligence, morality, or willpower.

BIPOLAR SOBER / ON PSYCHOSIS

REAL TO ME.
NOT REALITY.

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