BIPOLAR SOBER / TOOLBOX / ON OTHERS

OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE.

YOU CAN'T CONTROL THEM.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE THEM.
YOU DO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM.

01 / OTHER PEOPLE

THEY'RE GONNA
DO WHAT
THEY DO.

People disappoint us. Ignore us. Misunderstand us. Judge us. Annoy the absolute shit out of us.

Sometimes they're wrong. Sometimes we're wrong. Sometimes everybody involved is being a little fucking ridiculous.

The problem gets bigger when somebody else's behavior starts controlling what happens inside your head for the rest of the day.

THEIR BEHAVIOR IS INFORMATION.
YOUR RESPONSE IS STILL YOURS.

02 / CONTROL

WHAT'S
ACTUALLY
YOURS?

YOURS

What you say.

What you do.

What you tolerate.

Where you go.

Whether you respond.

Whether you stay.

NOT YOURS

What they think.

What they say.

Whether they understand.

Whether they apologize.

Whether they change.

Whether they approve of you.

You can influence another person. You can ask. Explain. Negotiate. Walk away.

You cannot crawl inside their fucking head and operate the controls.

03 / BOUNDARIES

A BOUNDARY
IS ABOUT
YOU.

A boundary isn't a magic sentence that forces somebody else to behave the way you want.

CONTROL

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT.

BOUNDARY

IF YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, I'M ENDING THE CONVERSATION.

The second one tells the other person what you will do.

A BOUNDARY WITHOUT AN ACTION
IS MOSTLY A REQUEST.

04 / EXPECTATIONS

THEY DIDN'T
FOLLOW THE
SCRIPT.

We write invisible scripts for people all the time.

"THEY SHOULD KNOW."

"THEY SHOULD HAVE TEXTED."

"THEY SHOULD CARE MORE."

"THEY SHOULD UNDERSTAND WHY I'M UPSET."

"IF THEY CARED, THEY WOULD..."

Sometimes those expectations are completely reasonable. The problem is assuming the other person knows the script when nobody handed them a fucking copy.

DID I ACTUALLY
COMMUNICATE THIS —
OR DID I EXPECT
THEM TO KNOW?
05 / TAKING SHIT PERSONALLY

MAYBE IT'S
NOT ABOUT
YOU.

Somebody is quiet. Somebody doesn't text back. Somebody seems annoyed. Somebody walks past you.

Your brain can fill the empty space immediately:

"THEY'RE MAD AT ME."

"I DID SOMETHING WRONG."

"THEY DON'T LIKE ME."

"THEY'RE IGNORING ME."

Maybe.

Or they're tired. Distracted. Busy. Upset about something else. Thinking about lunch. Having their own shitty day.

DON'T TURN MISSING INFORMATION
INTO A FUCKING CONVICTION.

06 / JUDGMENT

THEY DON'T
HAVE TO
GET IT.

People may have opinions about your diagnosis, addiction, sobriety, medication, recovery, mistakes, past, work, relationships, or how you're rebuilding your life.

Some criticism contains useful information. Some criticism is somebody else's fear, ignorance, assumptions, or bullshit.

IS THERE SOMETHING
USEFUL HERE —
OR AM I JUST BEING
HANDED THEIR OPINION?
07 / ANGER

BEFORE YOU
POP THE
FUCK OFF.

Anger can show up fast, especially when something feels disrespectful, unfair, rejecting, threatening, or dismissive.

You don't have to pretend you're not angry. You also don't have to make every decision while the anger is sitting in the driver's seat.

01

What actually happened?

02

What did I assume it meant?

03

What am I feeling underneath the anger?

04

Does this need a response right now?

05

What outcome do I actually want?

08 / RESENTMENT

HOW LONG
ARE THEY
LIVING RENT-FREE?

Somebody can hurt you once and then continue occupying your thoughts for weeks, months, or years afterward.

Letting go of resentment doesn't require deciding what they did was okay. It doesn't require reconciliation. It doesn't require letting them back into your life.

Sometimes letting go simply means deciding you're done spending this much of your own fucking energy on them.

FORGIVENESS AND ACCESS
ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

09 / COMPASSION

UNDERSTANDING
ISN'T
EXCUSING.

You can understand that somebody's behavior comes from their own fear, pain, insecurity, history, addiction, mental health, or general inability to get their shit together.

That understanding may help you take their behavior less personally.

It does not mean you have to tolerate behavior that harms you.

COMPASSION

I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE LIKE THIS.

BOUNDARY

AND I STILL DON'T HAVE TO PARTICIPATE IN IT.

10 / BEFORE YOU REACT

CHECK YOUR
FUCKING
STORY.

01

What happened?

02

What do I know for a fact?

03

What am I assuming?

04

What part of this actually belongs to me?

05

Do I need a conversation, a boundary, distance, or nothing at all?

06

What response will I still be okay with tomorrow?

YOU DON'T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. THANK FUCK.

LET THEM
BE THEM.
YOU BE YOU.

Pay attention to what people show you. Set boundaries where you need them. Take responsibility for your side. Leave their side with them.

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